Two Sides of a Coin
by pearlescent-rain
Summary: There's always two sides to a coin. Kudo Shinichi wants to be who he is, but sometimes, he forgets who he should be, and who he really is. He is lost and couldn't find the way in the darkness with no light to lead him.
1. Chapter 1

Kudo Shinichi had always pride himself in being a high school detective. He didn't know when did his fiery obsession to solve things started, or maybe it was within him from the start. He didn't enjoy knowing how someone can kill another person, neither did he know the logic or reason behind all those killings, but he found a certain satisfaction when he solved a case. Every new case teaches him a new lesson on life and something else. At the same time, every new case saddens him. He didn't know how many people out there kills, because of a misunderstanding, or simply for the thrill of it. Even if there's a reason, Shinichi could never understand why someone had to kill another person.

Mysteries thrills him. He loves those clues, and the harder it is, the deeper he falls. He seeks the excitement, the thrill. He knows it sounds a little crazy, and no one apart from his father who was the same 'freak' as him would understand. But nothing matters. Life is really that boring, and it was those mysteries that brighten up his life. Not that he wishes the world to have so many crimes, but as long as he could get his hands on any of them, there's really nothing he can't solve. He loves the satisfaction that follows when he knows that he had solved each of them. It serves as a form of entertainment for him.

Shinichi had always been sharp and observant. He can easily deduct something from the information he observed and analyzed. There is just one thing that he could never understand. Human's heart. It's an organ that beats life within a human body, it's so simple, yet it's so complicated. Shinichi is confused. He didn't like it, but he couldn't analyze a human's heart as easily as others evidence. Most of the time, crimes are committed in a moment. What the heart feels changes what the mind thinks, and thus creating what the body does. Shinichi doesn't understand why humans' hearts can be so confusing. And sometimes he wonders, what does his own heart tells him?

Edogawa Conan was a part of him. Shinichi still wasn't sure if he likes that part or hates it. But hate is a strong word, so Shinichi shrugs it off. He didn't like being Conan. Sure, he was still him from within, he was still able to solve crimes and feels the thrill that it brings him. Yet there was still something different. No matter how many times Shinichi tells himself there's nothing wrong, he was still him, except quite shrunk.

Sometimes at night, when Shinichi couldn't sleep, he stared at the moon and think. He wonders what went wrong in life. Life was simple really, but somehow it became quite complicated for him. He wasn't exactly Kudo Shinichi anymore. Heck, he wasn't even a high school student anymore! He took on a new appearance, a new name, a new life. Edogawa Conan. It was like his mask, and it was suffocating him at times.

Conan would sit on the sofa, drinking soda as he watches Ran think of Shinichi as she look out of the window. Conan wouldn't know about Ran crying at certain nights because she misses Shinichi too much. Edogawa Conan would be Edogawa Conan. He wasn't Shinichi. And yet he is. Edogawa Conan is also Kudo Shinichi. He would sit on the sofa and drink his soda, without tasting the drink as he drink only to drink. Because he would be staring sadly at Ran who would be staring out of the window. He wouldn't be able to sleep because he knows how much Ran is thinking about him, how much it hurts, to the point she can only cry herself to sleep at night.

Kudo Shinichi misses Ran. Edogawa Conan would not.

It was like having two identity, just like a coin that has two sides. He remembers Ran telling him once, after a certain case, that the world is like a coin. There's always the good and evil, the light and darkness. They cannot be without each other. There's always a good within an evil and vise visa. No one is absolutely who they are. It balance. Because there cannot be light without darkness, or good without evil. It balances the world, like how it balances a coin. Shinichi had shrugged it off at first, he didn't spend much time thinking about it.

Kudo Shinichi was like the coin itself now. He has two sides to him, it balances him, yet contradicts him at the same time. He wants to be who he is, but he forgets who he should be. He wants to be who he is, but he forgets who he is really is as well. Who was he, really? Kudo Shinichi, the high school famous detective? Or Edogawa Conan, someone who doesn't even exists? He is confused, and he can't find a way out. He lost his way, he wasn't able to find the light within the darkness.

_Does it really matters so much?_ Shinichi didn't have an answer to Haibara. Unlike him, she had been quite mysterious. He didn't know how she felt to being a child all over again, assuming an identity that didn't belong or existed in this world. He didn't know how to describe her, but it seems to her that nothing mattered. If death comes, then death will come. She has no fear for death, neither does he, but she seems to treat her own life like a silly joke. It did not matter to her when she dies, or if tomorrow will ever comes. She knows she will die one day for betraying the Black Society, but Shinichi didn't want her to. He didn't even want her to be harmed.

He didn't know if it was Conan that cares for Haibara Ai, or was it Shinichi that cares for the girl.

(_Does it really matters so much?_)

Sometimes, Shinichi really has no answers.


	2. Chapter 2

Haibara Ai never really liked tea. She didn't like the bitter taste that linger, it's weird and doesn't suit her taste. Tea always made her think about things she wanted to leave behind. Ai looked out of her window. It was actually quite lonely when Kudo-kun, or Edogawa-kun wasn't around in this ridiculously huge mansion. She hated this realization, she hated thinking about her mistakes. She lifted the cup to her lips and drank.

Shinichi never asked. But Ai know. From his sharp observant, even if he says nothing, she could see from his eyes that he knew. Ai got to admit that sometimes, Shinichi, or Conan, has the best poker face. However, there was something about the sparkle and passion in his eyes that betrayed his emotions more than his face ever does. And that's how Ai knows. She couldn't read his expression, but she could understand his gaze. Sometimes, somethings doesn't have to be spoken to be understood.

(_What do you think of tea?_)

(_Tea is a contemplative drink, if you ask me._)

Ai never wonders how Shinichi simply knows. Yes, she is amazed by his skills. She never said anything, but she is impressed. He only needs the littlest clue to be able to fit the whole picture. Maybe that's how his brain works. Many people overlook the smallest details because it may be impossible to be related. But he doesn't, even if it's a useless detail, he remembers. And sometimes, it's does 'useless' clues that others overlooked that proved to be the best evidence.

"It's the Channel 5 [1] news reporting to you live. Another female high school student  
have been found dead at the pub near her school. Authorities are still investigating  
the case, and more information will be revealed when they have found more."

"Another case?" commented Ai nonchalantly as she took another sip of tea, "A serial killer."

It was more of a statement than a question.

"Hm,"

Shinichi did not immediately answer her. Ai glanced at him from the corner of her eyes and her lips curled into a slight smirk. Of course, the case would definitely be on his mind. He's not a detective for nothing. It would be quite impossible for him not to think about any mysteries that came across him. It thrilled him, after all. She knew he was analyzing the case with whatever information he had (and it was quite little, truthfully), and she wonders what kind of conclusion would he comes to, for now.

She took another sip of her tea (it had turned cold, and the bitterness doubled) as she stared at the young detective deep in thoughts, his brows furrowed. She didn't show, but this certain case troubled her as much as it did to him. She wonders who was behind the case, and the motive for the brutal killings. _Though_, she furrowed her brows, there's something strange about the victims... She took another sip as she pondered on the case.

It had been the third female high school student murdered. The first one was murdered about a month ago, she was found dead on a hotel bed. There was no blood, no sign of struggle, nothing. It wasn't until the report that came back gave them more answers, although it did no help to solve the question. Apparently, there was some sleeping pills found within her body, and a slight amount of HCN in her body. Apparently, it had been spilled into the air when she was drugged and asleep, effectively killing her in a short amount of time.

The second victim was murdered in a similar way, although this time, she was supposedly fed with cyanide. Shinichi who sneaked into the scene managed to catch a whiff of almond, and the test result that returned proved his theory. Her lips and nails had also turned purple when Shinichi was inspecting her corpse. Of course, like always, he was caught by Mouri Kogoro and was thrown out of the window. However, he had gotten all the information he needs, so basically, it's fine. Although it did hurt a lot. Sometimes, Ai wonders how come he hasn't broke any of his bones by now.

"Neh, Kudo-kun," said Ai softly.

Shinichi shook out of his thoughts and look at the girl in front of him, "Hm?"

"Don't you think these three cases...are quite weird?" frowned Ai.

Shinichi frowned, "So you noticed as well."

Ai nodded. She had a theory, but it sounds so ridiculous that she shrugged it off. Until the third case happened. She frowned, she wouldn't say much now. She needs to know more to be able to confirm her theory. Looking at Shinichi, who was deep in thought, she wonders if he has the same theory as him. Although it would be quite impossible. Kudo Shinichi was more of a boy that read mysterious stories, especially when his father is famous for being a mystery writer. She doubts he would have read much of those children fairytale.

Ai didn't know much about them either. But she heard some from Ayumi. Somehow, those stories does fit with those murders. Ai narrowed her eyes, if that is true, this serial murderer is very sick and perverted. Just what motive does he have that caused him to do such things? She took another glance at Shinichi before lifting her cup to drink again, only to find it very quite empty.

"Anyway, I'll find out more," concluded Shinichi, "I'll have to get back."

Ai nodded without replying. She turned her back against the boy. She didn't know if he saw her nod, but she knew he had already left. Of course, he would be worried for the high school _girlfriend_ of his. As much as he tries to deny that she isn't his girlfriend, his blush betrayed him anyway. She smiles to herself as she hops of the sofa and proceed to her room with the television now off.

Hm, without anyone at home, the silence was really quite intimidating sometimes. She chuckles softly before reaching for the doorknob to her room. It wasn't the silence that was intimidating, she realized. It was the loneliness. And Ai found herself wishing for another cup of tea.

* * *

**[1] I don't know about Japanese news, so forgive me.**

**There's a lot of things I don't know, so please forgive me. I don't mind if you point out any mistakes or tells me something, it's okay. I have little knowledge over poisons as well, so yeah. I'm not good with mysteries, but I'm quite keen to try. Hence this story ^^**

**haibaraai4869: Thank you for the review ^^ I'll try my best to do better!**


	3. Chapter 3

Shinichi, or Conan, silently watches as Ran stares blankly at the phone for the third time that day before rushing to cook dinner. The shrunk detective sighed with a resigned smile. He understood what she was waiting, and it hurts him more to know that he couldn't do anything about it. Sometimes he still wonders if it was right for him to give her his number, but he couldn't do anything. Because it felt so right. No, it felt so natural. He just wanted to let her know, he's always there. Even if she doesn't know it.

"Conan-kun?" Ran called.

"Neh, Ran-neechan?" Conan, or Shinichi, replies as brightly as a child would.

"Nothing, just what would you like for dinner?" Ran smiled.

"A-anything," Shinichi smiled.

Sometimes he also wonders, has he became too used to calling her 'neechan'.

"Hm," she shrugged, "Otou-san is going to be late. The case seems to be getting difficult."

With that, Shinichi frowned. He knew that Mouri would be involved, since the police needs all the help they need currently. But he doubt Mouri would be able to help much. After all, without the 'brat' around, it's impossible for Mouri to be able to do anything. Although Shinichi wouldn't be too fast to push him down. Sometimes, even Mouri surprises Shinichi. He isn't all that he seems.

Shinichi realizes the reason why Mouri Kogoro was always drinking. Beer or sake. And he realizes the reason too late. It wasn't until staying with the seemingly idiotic no use detective that he realizes why Mouri was always determined to be drunk. He was disdainful of this trait himself, but he couldn't help it. Maybe it was because something was "_missing_" but he refuses to admit it. Maybe it was because he wanted to ignore misery, and maybe he'd drink because of the taste.

But Shinichi knows Mouri drinks to forget. He didn't like to be reminded of his past mistakes. He drink to be drunk, yet perhaps not always drunk because his heart is not drunk. He simply wishes to forget. He hates his past mistakes, and he hates to analyze, despite foolishly determined to be a detective. And maybe that's why his detective skills is not always to light.

Shinichi realizes. And Shinichi understands.

Shinichi finished his dinner and retreats to his room. Which for now, he would have all the privacy he needs. Shinichi was not very fond of darkness, but he shut the light nevertheless that night. Sometimes, the darkness helps him think better. And sometimes, he is lost within the darkness and finds himself suffocating. From fear or from itself, he doesn't know.

He thinks of the case - but get sidetrack nevertheless. He thinks about Ran; about Ai; about Conan; about Mouri and about everything else in between until he finds himself so suffocated he wants to scream. But who would be able to hear him? The silent scream of pain, fear and everything else that causes him to suffer. Who would be able to hear his silent pleading; who would be able to save him?

Perhaps no one but himself.

He watches the moon and wonders if Ran is doing the same. His cellphone in his hand and he wonders why he is hesitating. Maybe because she would be able to catch him and realizes who he is, causing her to be in danger. Or perhaps something else. And he wonders if Ai would understand him.

He chose not to call in the end.


End file.
